a birthday writing

In light of my birthday, I turned 34 today, 4/8, I pulled out my diary on a whim. It's a lovely Molekskine notebook that's been collecting dust since I started thinking - in the most illusory manner - I would be more prolific a writer on the digital realm. I think it's my diary volume 13 or so with its first page dated September 4, 2008. Those were days when I was obviously more patient with my ugly handwriting. The thing is I really thought I would write more on the digital platforms, and that was a legitimate excuse for stashing away my diary. A poor thing. I apologize today. I don't know if it was Richard Yongjae O'Neill on my speakers or another glass of cognac I stole from my dad's liquor cabinet - which has been abandoned and unattended to since he quit drinking altogether upon the discovery of his heart problem a couple of years ago (my mom once entertained the thought of having to get rid of the whole cabinet but I told her not to bother) - but tonight reading my own writing made me so sentimental. Yes that's the word I have to use here - sentimental. I laughed out loud in the safe privacy of my own room on some pages and burst out a big cry on other lines. My tonight's reading spanned about a year and those were days when I had more stable relationship with God, less mature but still beautifully innocent; when I felt like I was already unacceptably old; when I still felt unnecessarily insecure about being myself. I was going through a rather tumultuous period of my life as my relationship with God was deepening. It was one year when I was charged to meet with about 40 high school seniors - 12 years younger than myself - applying for my alma mater and getting super excited by some of the interesting "young" students while getting frustrated and annoyed by those who showed up with no questions prepared. I was still in the middle of my orthodontics. My brother was coming home almost every weekend and took advantage of my then-baking spree; one day, according to my record, he called and asked me to bake his rolls in 호빵-size. On a number of pages I was having, to put it simply, difficulty recovering from an unfulfilled love, and it caused some reminiscent aching in my heart tonight. On another page, there was a "he", ridiculous and hilarious enough, I had to think for several seconds to identify him. One of my favorite sentences was written after I failed a shot at a graduate program - 워낙에 거의 백수 상태였기 때문에 그냥 계속 소속이 없는 상태... I do get excited when my words rhyme. Yay! I guess there was a period of time when I was not working full time and I wanted to be awake in the early morning and apparently it wasn't working out. One morning "I woke up at 9:00 after having gone to bed 11:30-ish the night before" and I found it "so devastating". Anyway I'm really tired and unfocused right now but I just was so motivated to write right this moment. Good night.